sweet caroline

how does it go? "good times never seemed so good". I think that can be said for lazy saturdays. the boys and I went to the farmers market in st. albert this morning. it was lazy and warm and lovely. we went with some friends and just took an enormous amount of time to wander through everything. and now I want a nap!

I have no energy for much else today - and I'm not too sure why. it's not like I did anything overly stressful this week! but I haven't been sleeping well and I think that's never super good. I have to say that I am having a tough time writing these last few days - I'm sure that's a bit obvious with my lack of enthusiasm!! I am trying really hard not to be so disconnected from my life, but I'm feeling a bit disconnected. distracted. generally out of sorts. and yes, this has been going on for a while now, but I'm getting a bit irritated by this. I need to snap out of it and just get on with it. and it's weird because it's not depression, just discontent. I am not super happy with how things are in my life. and it's me. all me. and I feel like I need to wake up and just take the reigns back. and I know that a really good portion of this comes from my health - I've stalled big time. not so much with how much or what I eat, but with exercise. I have been doing NOTHING. and the lack of general muscle tone is catching up to me!! so, I need some motivation. I need some incentive. I am going to see erika in seattle for thanksgivings in october. that is 11 weeks away. even if I could lose a pound a week, that would be 11 pounds. which would put me where I was last year at this time. if I could lose 11 pounds and firm up the ol' stomach/arm areas, THEN the 11 pounds would feel more like 20 because...well, it just would! so, I've been generally good about blogging this month [almost every day!!] and I think I am going to start using you all as my accountability. I know that I will sleep better, feel better and just be better if I take care of this body I've been entrusted with. and like I've said before, sometime behaviour needs to change before the attitude does! so, starting today, I'm going to log some cardo. and I'm going to pull out the weights and start taking care of these super flabby arms! and the day I get down to 189 [my nemesis!!] I am going to get my tattoo. and if I reach that by the time seattle comes, I'll make erika come with me!!!

who's with me??

it's raining men

okay, so maybe it's just raining rain. I'm running out of spontaneous song titles to name blog posts with! I may have to go to the ol' iTunes list!

so, went to the lake. sigh. and it was all good. I got some sun, some laughs, some reading in...it was really needed. and lovely.

and I registered the kids for soccer camp again next week. they are going stir crazy around here with no yard to play in, so I figured this was a good thing for both them AND me! we'll see how it all plays out next week! I didn't get as much done in the basement this week, but knowing that I also have next week, totally helps. John is going to help me get some things started this weekend.

and on that note, I am going to bed. I am finally tired.

xoxo

london calling

so, today was productive. andrea came over and we hang curtain rods downstairs. and I got a glimpse of the new curtains - I'm gonna LOVE them!! then I hung a curtain rod upstairs in our bedroom, although I don't have "official" curtains yet, but hanging our one lone curtain is better than having it tacked, don't you think? then I hung shelves. yeah. bad idea. oh well, there's not much I can do about it - and trust me, I've tried!! I refuse to put more anchors into the wall!!

then at supper time [because I'm not the smartest kid on the block!], I started painting canvas black. and glue gunned old cd's to the surface. [and yes, this is intentional space between the two rows!]

and then the stamps and acrylic paint came out and I did this little piece for the boy - thought it may be better than doing it directly to the wall! I got these band names from a web site that listed the top 100 british bands of all times. not too sure if I agree with all of them, but hey, it gave me something to go off of!

and then the red cross, with the title of a song by the clash [a band I quiet enjoy, and I think ty knows all the lyrics to this one!].

and then my final idea is to do a "who" logo or an "underground" logo on one of his walls as well - circles are hard though, so I'll have to spend some time thinking about it!!

and nate's room, well, I painted a canvas for him too, but it's not done yet. and I have an empty black canvas as well - but he likes stars and space and stuff like that, so I may get some glow in the dark stars and put them on the black canvas...we'll see!

still didn't paint the basement floor - will do it before the week is over. it was hard working on these projects and not having my craft room set up - I have paint mess EVERYWHERE!! tomorrow is a gong show, thursday is sit at the lake day, so friday will be the paint day! fun, fun, fun!

xoxo

sittin' on the dock of the bay

okay, more realistically, sitting on my front step with my computer, my phone and my coffee. enjoying the silence. and the sun. now, let me clarify silence: I can hear the sounds of construction to my right - drills, hammers, swearing. some traffic on winterburn road behind me. and the damn grasshoppers in front of me [okay, well in the lovely flower patch across the street, but you get my drift! the kids are at soccer camp this week - full days, every day. drop them off at 830, pick them up around 5pm. I have big plans to get a lot done today - hang curtain rods, build a shelf or three, paint the basement floor...

but for now, I am going to sit in the hot sun, at 915 in the morning, drink my coffee, read some blogs and just enjoy.

I can't get no satisfaction

so today I painted. I did vertical stripes on nate's wall in elegant eggplant, wild wasabi [which looks more like certainly celery] and real read. I chose stripes because I hate cutting ceilings and baseboards!!! I wanted a quick fix of colourwithout doing an entire wall. when all was said and done, it wasn't that hard. I have a super laser level that sticks to the wall. turn it on, level it, stick it on, and put up your painters tape! do that a couple times at a couple of different levels and you have lovely stripes. THEN, you have my painting mishaps [they ALWAYS happen!] where I mucked up the corner. so, I went around the corner on a couple of the stripes and varied some of the lengths. this may drive my sister CRAZY,but I don't really care - it's a kid's room, not my living room!

then I did ty's room. I have a vision for ty's room that included a union jack on the wall, old cds attached to the wall, black lettering with band names, and some framed cd covers. a total british invasion/punk room. well, the union jack is done. that too was a ton of tape & lasers! I didn't use the level part, but I did use a piece of computer paper to get a right angle and an ikea ruler to measure the lines - the flag ratio of 2:3 was super important for it to look like a flag. so, 100cm x 150cm was my outline. then I taped off the center, then the diagonal lines - trying hard to follow a diagram! although there is a few differences between the real thing and my flag, I was SUPER impressed with how it turned out! tomorrow, the black paint is coming out!!! I'd also like to hang some industrial hooks for ty - to hang his guitars off of. and maybe I can find some old cds to start creating my one wall with. he is my kid that likes his music...but it's kinda turning into an old tlc/trading spaces/crazy doug room!!! LOVE!!

and I bought concrete paint for the basement. and the lovely canadian tire paint guy tinted it for me - AQUA!! that may be tomorrow's project!

sunday, bloody sunday

so we celebrated nate's birthday this weekend. his actual birthday was on thursday, but we did a small "cousins" birthday supper on wednesday night, nate had a friend sleep over and a special dinner on thursday then we went to chuck e chesse with nate, ty and two of nate's friends for his little party. then today, john's mom came over for lunch to help celebrate! it's been a true birthday week for my 7 year old!

apparently my little stretch of "crazy" has subsided. not feeling so crazy anymore - really bad pms, I guess - nothing like some severe overreaction to make a girl a bit crazier than normal!!

so this upcoming week, my boys are in full day soccer camp. it's a whole week of no kids, which translates to a a whole week [okay, like 3 days!] of stuff around the house. I am seriously wanting to work on the basement and get my stamping stuff all pulled out. I NEED TO MAKE THINGS AGAIN!!!! I am bit discouraged with my lack of genius in this space as of late, but tomorrow I am determined to figure something out!! I'll post before & after pictures tomorrow [if I remember!]. any good ideas in covering the concrete floor?? I may just paint!!

one love

my obsession with the food network is BACK!!! the next food network star is the best reality show on tv. seriously, bobby flay is on it!! LOVE! I am coming into the show about half way through but it's my new fave!

okay, shall I tell you about the new tattoo I want? I have wanted a tattoo for a long time, but I hate pain and more importantly, I've never discovered anything I'd want to experience the pain for. well, I think I have it. and seriously, it's punctuation, so don't mock. LOOK HERE! yes, the ellipsis. it's kinda like a "to be continued", which is how I feel about myself - like I'm not done yet.

there's my gig. and I see my husband driving up - so, have a great evening!

i'se the b'y

I am endeavoring to write positive things today because I am feeling a bit irritated with my kids. ty is having a really hard time settling down at night as of late and tonight was no exception. he is trying my last nerve on every level. and he is STUBBORN! [I may have mentioned that once or twice before!] and tonight I may have let words out of my mouth that were really hurtful. he was hurt. and once I realized it, I felt bad but he was still too hurt and too angry to hear me say sorry. in the last ten minutes or so, he's wandered into my bed and I got a chance to talk to him. to tell him that I love him so much. to tell him that I was sorry for what I had said. and now he's asleep. makes me wonder how many times I say things and am totally unconscious of how my words come out. or the impact they make. that I say things in jest and people don't know that. that I wound, not heal with my words. and I'm not just talking about my kids, but people in general. people I love. people I don't even know. just something to ponder.

on a more positive note, nate had his first sleep over last night - a little buddy of his stayed here yesterday! and the boys were WONDERFUL! and I survived chuck e cheese. john & I, nate & ty and two of nate's little friends went today for nate's birthday. I have to say, going at 4 pm was a good idea. it was super quiet [other than the uber loud "chucky" music] and the kids were awesome!!

and now, I am going to eat some m&m's - my lime green, purple, pink & orange m&m's from the m&m store in vegas! and I may just share with my once-again bald husband!

xoxo

I like fun

and this, my friends, looks like a ton of fun! I was lead to this blog by my friend susan and it looks like fun. F-U-N! who wants to play with vodka this weekend??

making vanilla...

what I like about you

well, seven years ago today I was birthing the wee nate. he was in trama, I was belted to all the machines, epidural in place. he was an emergency c-section, so I don't really remember much, other that just wanting to be done. I had been at the hospital since the day before - my water had broken the afternoon before and they had induced labour. well, by 11:00 am, I was being prepped for surgery, since his heart rate kept going down. and, by 11:30 [or so!] nathaniel michael joseph fraser saw the world for the first time. john was the first one to hold him, while I was getting stitched up. sigh.

I make it sound like it was all smiles and daisies. yeah, no. the first kid gets the brunt of all the bad parenting! and although we're only 7 years in, and although I know there have been many, many tears and mistakes and hugs and kisses and cuddles, I do quite like the kid [most of the time!]...especially in the mornings when he is awake and lovely and kind. nate has turned into a smart, serious, sensitive boy who loves his brother, loves to read and loves sports. he is naturally coordinated and is skilled at most things with a ball!

happy birthday, my sweet son. I hope being 7 is full of adventure and fun!

it's an ordinary day

so it may be a list day:

1. john found out yesterday that he is getting phased out of his job. he has 6 more months and then a bit of a severance package, but basically he's being laid off due to a company merger. I have mixed feelings about this. a bit of stress, just because it's income. but a bit of anticipation as well because I would really like him to love his job as much as I do AND be compensated fairly for the work he does. I don't really believe either are true right now. sometimes you have to be kicked out of the nest if you're going to learn to fly...

2. I bought a wee dyson today. the cheapest one I could find. plus I got first 25% off, then another 10% off. this is good. I've never had to buy a vacuum before, but I like this one. plus, it's orange!

3. I got curtain rods today. by next week I should have curtains installed downstairs [they're still being made]. THEN, I'll take some pictures!

4. I finished reading a book this week - I've been hesitant to talk about it because oprah was ranting and raving about it - and as of late, I've not been worshipping at the church of O. HOWEVER, the author of women, food & god was on last week and it caught my attention. and I bought the book. and I think I need to read it again. it's really about intuitive eating. listening to your body, etc. and it's about not dieting [which, let's be honest about, I am just not ready NOT to diet!!]. the principles do work alongside weight watchers though, so I've been trying to follow her eating guidelines AND still stay within my points. we'll see how that pans out for me on the scale.

5. my body hates rice. I like how it tastes, but man, the kickback is something fierce. life's too short to eat things that make my belly sad.

6. it's nate's 7th birthday tomorrow. good topic of conversation for tomorrow!

7. things are slowly getting done around the house - the rough grade outside was started today. we have a bobcat conveniently parked in our front yard. tomorrow someone's coming to fix my bathroom tub [I'd like cold water to come from the cold side and hot water to come from the hot side] and then on monday, they are fixing my bathroom cabinet. FINALLY!

8. went to guru for lunch today. lovely, as always!

9. I may be at the end of my list. super exciting times in the fraser house!

life is a mystery

well, apparently I needed to vent last night. and apparently I needed some sleep.

I enjoy how the morning can cast new light on a new day. and how waking up to sun and not rain can really change my mood from "I don't want to get out of my bed" to "I can't wait to start my day". now legitimately, it's only 615 am and I am nowhere near ready to get up, but the sun is promising.

although the boys lost a trip to the space science centre today [poor bed time behaviour], I think it may be a bike-to-starbucks day.

I have forgotten how much I enjoy life from the second story. our last house was a one-floor wonder. I loved the big window in the front where you could watch the world go by, but our bedroom window was in the back and generally covered by trees. the apartment we had before the house had second story windows - lovely large ones where we watched creepy guy from upstairs go for walks. but our bedroom window in that place was super small. laying in bed and looking at my new bedroom window reminds me of the windows I had in the haunted house, when I lived with susan & shonnette. THAT was an amazing house! and oh the stories we could tell!! I just remember being given $20 from the neighbour lady and told to get her some wine! needless to say, the windows in that house were great. and this morning reminds me of that. I can't wait to get curtains that actually open [vs. the ones tacked to the wall!] so I can lay here and just watch the clouds and take in the new noises that are our street.

it may be early, but I am thinking of sneaking downstairs, putting on the coffee pot and sitting with my book for awhile - before the day really begins!

what do you do with early mornings? the ones that don't call you to work?

and it burns, burns, burns...

I am announcing it here, folks. I think I am going crazy. my body is hating me. my brain is on a different planet. my hormones are out of control. and if I can remember, tomorrow I am making an appointment to see my doctor. I do believe I am in the beginning stages of menopause. now, many of you are going to pat me on the head and say, "there's no way! you're way too young!". well yes, and no. I am too young. but really, 38 is not that young. nor are genetics on my side. all of the women on my mom's side of the family were nearly done menopause by 40. seriously, I am going crazy. young or old doesn't matter at this point. at this point, I need some SERIOUS help.

and it starts with my kids. they make me want to SCREAM! I do not know how to de-bug their bad behaviour. their inability to go to sleep. their general sassy mouths and actions. their need to purposely break things. I am about two minutes from canceling nate's birthday party because it's 10:37 and he is still not asleep. grrr.

I've been out of sorts for months now and I've been able to blame it on all sorts of things going on in my life. I've been able to blame it on circumstances. yeah, not any more. it's all me, baby. [yes, I do believe my martyr attitude is to be blamed on my very severe PMS. go with it!] so yeah. if I remember, I will call my dr. tomorrow and make an appointment. I will get to the bottom of this. I will own it. and perhaps, I will also remember to make appointments for the boys to get their eyes checked and for ty to get his pre-k shots! EEEEEKKKKK!

I love my life, I love my life, I love my life...

:o)

feelin' the love

my sister rocks. she took the boys yesterday afternoon...for two whole nights. john and I have gotten more things done in the two days than we have since the weekend we moved in. we got the boys rooms re-configured....we had started them in the same room [they've shared for 5 years] but they've been just so on each other for the last week that we decided to separate them. ty's big concern was whether or not he could sleep in the same room as nate but keep his toys and stuffies in his own room. YES! I hope they both like what we've done to their spaces. it's still a bit temporary, because I have some paint plans, but it'll do the trick for now!

I still have all the boxes stacked in the garage, but I'm starting to feel like I'm in a groove. that I can get this seriously done in the next ten days.

so, apparently I have nothing interesting to blog about tonight! or perhaps I just don't have the emotional energy to dig any deeper. and that's totally okay with me!!

xoxo.

let's go dancing tonight

okay, so for some reason I have the rankin family "you feel the same way too" stuck in my head. not too sure why, but hey, a decent song!

it's a list night.

1. my closet is done. [thanks to coralee!]

2. the desk is built & furniture basically arraigned in that space. [thanks to john!]

3. I despise where the cable outlets are located upstairs in this house.

4. friday night lights is the best show on television. kyle chandler [coach taylor] is a hottie.

5. I was down 2.4 today. yeah me. yeah vegas!

6. I am beginning to shut down the voice. the one in my head that feeds me lies.

7. I smoked a damn fine cigar tonight.

8. I've not had an ounce to drink in 24 hrs - ooohhhh! big lie! I reached #10 and realized I had a martini with lunch.

9. the boys and I had a seriously good time at the market today.

10. I had a most delicious time out with my good friend today - she took me to lunch on the patio at earls. it was lovely to spend the time!

okay, very random. each needs some explanation or context, but since it's 1:30 am, that'll have to wait until later!

more on change

change is not something I excel at. I don't think many of us do. decisions often come with consequences - good or bad. I think when we perceive ourselves as making a good choice, we don't often prepare our hearts and our heads for the change that those choices lead to. on the flip side, when we make poor/unwise choices, we are always sorta waiting for the ball to drop, knowing that actions have consequences.

I'd like to know how to better prepare for change. I've thought on this a lot and have a bit of a theory. now, I know you are all just DYING to know...! LOL the anticipation is just killing you, isn't it??

1. destressing. change is more easily handled when there are less stressers in our lives. the least amount of stress possible will always lead to less anxiety over change. seems rather obvious, eh? like not getting married during report cards or moving at the end of the school year or birthing a child in the middle of june. [yes, I have some experience here!!!]

2. be present. seriously. change is tough and sometimes painful, but you just have to live it. survive it. breath it in. enjoy it. laugh a ton, drink a ton, let the f-bomb slip occasionally. quit double guessing the whys and the hows and just enjoy the ride. totally easier said than done. it's kinda like a roller coaster. you seriously just have to hold on, [close your eyes if you're me!] and enjoy the ride. it's not really fun being all bumped around and such, but seriously, it's kinda cool - eyes closed or not - when you know you are hanging upside down over the hotel pool!

so I suppose I need to take a bit of my own medicine and stop trying to resist. the change has come. it has happened. now maybe I just need to destress and enjoy it.

I've got my mind set on you...

so I've been thinking about this quote this week. I poached the image from THIS blog. change is difficult. I'm finding all the transition very difficult - in the last 8 weeks we've packed up a house, moved in with John's mom, finished school, finished soccer, moved into the new house...phew! if I am having difficulties adjusting, then I need to remember that it's going to take my kids a bit of time too. I am trying to cut them a bit of slack and give them a ton of love, but sometimes I forget that it's just as hard for them as it is for us.

I have more thoughts on this, and on general change philosophy, but I think I'll spend some time on it later today - after I go to IKEA again and finish building my closet!

breakfast...it's all in the eggs

my favorite part of being home for the summer is that I have time to make myself breakfast every morning. during the school year, it's nuke & go but being at home means that I can have eggs and toast every morning!! my mom recently has become vegan. I have toyed with this idea but my love for eggs has stopped this idea cold. eggs are my stranded-on-a desert-island food. they are a perfect bit of loveliness in a shell! okay, you get the idea. in an effort to be more conscious of the quality of food that I put in my body, I have been working to find foods that are raised or grown locally and my eggs are no exception. I havefound the most lovely eggs [they actually taste like eggs!]. I buy them at the downtown market from sunshine organic farms. if you are in the edmonton area, they are worth coming down to the market for!

needless to say, I was going to tell you about my most delicious breakfast this morning and I got distracted by eggs!! I made the most yummy egg thing - it currently is nameless! I took a bit purple onion and half a red pepper and sautéed them in some EVVO. then I beat two eggs in a bowl and added them to the mixture. some pepper on top and I let the whole thing sit for a couple of minutes - until the bottom cooked. THEN, I added some happy cow low-fat cheese on top [I haven't ranted and raved aboutthis lovely cheese yet...two pieces for one point!]. then I put the whole frying pan in the oven under the broiler for a couple of minutes [you have to keep an eye on it or it will cook REALLY FAST!] until the top was cooked.

okay, seriously, the cheese with the eggs and onions was delish! I have made this dish before with feta, but this soft cheese just added a whole lot to the texture and taste.

now, a good blogger would have taken pictures. yeah, that's what happens when you don't actually plan what you are going to write about until after the food is done!!

and some pictures - the kids were pretty tired this morning. ty was trying really hard to get nate out of my bed!!

oh, and I've been randomly trying to post that I've blogged on facebook. I am a bit unsure if this is a good idea or not, knowing my friend's list!! anyways, if you are stopping by and reading, feel free to leave a comment so I can see who my readers are!

xoxo

change!

and it's orange! LOVE!!!

head & shoulders knees & toes

so this blog post found me in my inbox this morning: summer mothering confessions. I don't read all my blog feeds everyday but I read this one today. and I think I need to master the art of taking a time out when I'm feeling overwhelmed with my kids. although I have shipped them off for the day, I am still not all in my reality. coming back from a mini-vacation has been brutal on my head. school ended two weeks ago and in those two weeks we've moved, started unpacking and I went to vegas for 5 days. so today, I get to breath.

I have a major writing assignment due tomorrow. two in fact. I have to write two devotionals for a christmas devotional book thing. I just don't have my groove! I started last night, in true cori fashion. had nothing to write. so this morning, if the rain holds out, I am going to go for a walk and spend some time thinking.

and then I need to find a 10" wide utensil holder because I want my utensils by my dishwasher and not on the other end of the kitchen. canadian tire, here I come!

oh, and a picture [just to brighten my wee blog!!!]

well, this is rare.

so ty is overtired tonight. has been all day. in his over-tiredness, he has had numerous tantrums. since I am so all about sticking to my guns [yeah, right!], I decided that his behaviour was completely unacceptable. kicking, hitting, punching and sassing the adults in your life [the adults that gave you life] is unacceptable. under the advice of a good friend, I went with the "time-out" approach. [and don't worry, this is the edited version of the story - there was a lot of screaming and crying and general mayhem along the way!] I hauled him up to his room and asked him quietly to get on to his bed for a time out. he said no. I closed the door. I sat in front of the door. he asked me to let him out. I said no. I asked him to go to his bed for his time out. he said no. this went on [with crying, screaming and chaos] for 45 minutes. and I sure held my ground. this was the hill to die on [and honestly, the hitting and kicking and later, the biting were totally a battle to take on]. however, after 45 minutes and a big welt on my arm, I realized that this kid is more stubborn than me. he can shut me down. now, being as tired as I am, I am surprised that I didn't cave earlier than I did. so I changed tactics and showed some grace. I opened the door just a little bit and offered to take him downstairs for supper. in doing that, he told me that he wishes we still lived at grandma's house. and that he had missed me when I was gone. and he sobbed. I will not excuse his nasty behaviour, trust me, it's NASTY. but, I understand that in that moment, my little boy was overtired, hungry and very sad. [he did eventually go into his time out on his own and said sorry].

then about an hour later, I went to get some groceries and coffee. and I had a realization. I am Ty. I am stubborn beyond measure. I scream and kick and hit and bite when I don't get my own way. I am self-centered and egotistical. and above all, I am in pain. my soul is sad. and my relationship with my little boy right now totally mirrors my relationship with God. and I am currently out of sorts and having a big-ass tantrum. and I am beginning to see my need for grace. and change. at 38 years old, it needs to stop being about me. my wants, my desires, me.

and this summer will need to be about that. about change. about being the person I have been created to be.

but I'm a bit freaked out. okay, honestly, a lot freaked out. but I suspect the end result may be good. and as a firm believer in hope, I'm okay with that.

life is a highway

so, it seems that I have a moment. wow!

I got back from my trip to vegas last night after a very, very long day [I'll tell all in a second...]; John & the boys picked me up from the airport close to midnight and so the boys are completely shattered and subsequently still sleeping [ohhh, big words AND alliteration...intentional? indeed!!]. the crummy part is that it wasn't planned that way at all.

we were suppose to be on a 7am flight out of LV, only to find out when we arrived off of our 4:25am shuttle, that the flight to minneapolis had been cancelled for mechanical reasons. me, in all my wonderfulness, thought that sleeping the night before would be pointless. so here we are, in the LV airport, finding out that we are on the next available flight at 3:15pm. in all fairness, I have only good things to say about the staff at delta. they were AMAZING. we were upgraded to first class on the first leg of our trip, we didn't pay for our luggage [so I checked the shoe bag!], we were given meal vouchers and a hotel voucher.

after a few more hurdles and meeting some other ladies from edmonton in the same boat, we found ourselves able to get some sleep in a hotel. a lovely hotel with a big tv [watched half the soccer game!] and chocolate chip cookies. NEEDLESS to say, there were some really lovely people along our little mis-adventure that made it all good in the end. we got to bypass the security line, got a lovely meal on the plane and free drinks...ALL GOOD! the 8 hour delay was not the best way to end a trip, but it certainly was interesting!

and now I am home and I can unpack my house. the boys and I are off to IKEA to buy some shelves and some lunch. the rain is making our house a mud pit. [oh, and yes, we are moved in to the new house...I'll post about that tomorrow!!]