Wednesday, January 28, 2015

broken crown

how is it the end of January already?  it's been a bit hectic.  hockey, soccer, ski club, work, repeat.  its hectic, but it's a good life.  and in a month that could define a year, gratitude is my hustle.  I cannot complain.

that said, it's almost the end of January.  did I tell you all that I joined a diet bet at the start of January?  $35 of sheer dietary motivation.  I lost the first 8 or 9lbs really fast {damn post-christmas booze bloat!}, and then it's slowed down.  I was down 11lbs last monday, then the trip to medicine hat happened.  hockey tournaments rock and are awful at the same time!  this morning I was up 2.  and it's weigh in day tomorrow.  I totally feel like my body is going to let me down!  I've been super vigilant today, and drinking a ton of water, but THIS SUCKS!!!!  I was a winner.  now there's a threat of being a loser.  HA!

okay, so the bigger picture here, steady work on my weight.  on-going motivation.  eating food that loves me and is healing my body, not tearing it apart.  and 9lbs isn't anything to be ashamed about.  that's the size of most people's babies.  not awful, right?

so, I'm going to drink my water, stop with eating salt and pray to God that my body likes me tomorrow.

Thursday, January 08, 2015

wildest dreams

don't judge me.  'cause the 19 year old, wearing all black, doc marten lovin' me is sure passing judgement.  taylor swift's 1989 has been making the rounds on my play list lately.

week one back at work is almost done.  it's been pretty productive over all, but I couldn't figure out why I was so tired!  I've been eating right {day 7 of my whole30!}, drinking a crap load of water, getting to bed at a decent hour... then I did some research tonight.  apparently day 6 and 7 are the days where your body wants SLEEP.  who knew.

so this is what I've been thinking about this week and a question that I can't seem to find an answer to.  why is it that for me, starting is the hardest thing ever?  I suck in the motivation part, but once I get into some forward motion, the momentum can start to carry me.  funny.  I hadn't even planned to write about my whole adventure in eating good food tonight, but I guess that the path I'm going down.  except maybe that was all I had to say.  ha!  squirrel!

a couple of gratitude things that have surfaced in this week:
1.  ty's had a pretty solid sleeping week.  not a ton of attitude and he's been pleasant to be around.
2.  it's payday tomorrow.  our post-christmas budget sucks!
3.  I started a bit of a project at work this week and I was worried that there may be some negative reactions from students and parents.  I had a thank-you call this afternoon.
4.  I've been able to turn off work mode when I'm not at work.  this required breaking up with my work email on my phone.  it's broken and I'm not going to fix it.
5.  I found some solitude within the busy this week.  we had something every night this week and on tuesday, I sat in an empty hockey dressing room for almost 45 minutes.  alone.  by. my. self.  sometimes I need to just look for places to rest within the busy.

gratitude is more than just being grateful for my great life, but living out in a way that is contrary to my usual complaining.  does that make sense?

sorry.  I post that was ALL OVER THE PLACE tonight.  it's late.  the kid laying beside me is having problems falling asleep.  I'm exhausted.  day 8 tomorrow.  I wonder what that will hold?

Sunday, January 04, 2015

spirit in the sky

so it's back-to-work-after-two-weeks-off eve.  tomorrow we're all back at it, after two of the most restful weeks I've had in a long time.  

I've been thinking about why this has been and a couple of things come to mind.  first, we had no sports for 14 days.  I love watching my boys play in their respective sports, but honestly, it's a time sucker-upper.  take this afternoon for example.  a thirty minute drive to the rink to be there an hour before the game, an hour for the game and then 15-20 minutes post game {debrief and undress} and then thirty minutes back home.  over three hours.  knock a half hour off of soccer games.  and then most weekends have one or two of each sport.  no sports - no games or practices - was sweet bliss.

then, I've been really intentional with my rest.  a lot of nothingness.  sitting.  reading a novel.  watching tv.  going to the rink with the boys.  {okay, that's not nothing, but it's just plain fun!}

and maybe the most importantly, I've totally neglected work.  I've not checked my email.  I've not done any professional reading.  I've not even thought about school.  I used to be really, really good at this and lately I've not been.  this is a lesson I needed.  

taking care of myself is more than just buying a new pair of shoes.  it's being intentional and permissive.  giving myself permission to turn it all off and just rest.  be with my kids and my husband.  

I love, LOVE my job, but if I don't learn this now, it will consume me.  it will be my end and my joy for the work I am so privileged to do, will be gone.  and that will devastate me.  so alas, I actually learned something this lovely Christmas break.  and for that, I'm grateful.

so gratitude jar by my bed.  using all my fitness apps {yay mfp and waterlogged}.  lunches all packed.  boys falling asleep on the couch.  it's time to get my hustle on tomorrow, after a good night's sleep!!

Friday, January 02, 2015

on this winters night

wow.  four days in a row of writing.  it's almost like I'm on vacation!  okay, well really tomorrow morning it's back to reality.  the t-man has a hockey game at 9am.  that means, in this crazy snow, leaving the house at 720am.  I'M NOT READY FOR EARLY MORNINGS!!!!  the natester also has a game tomorrow.  we're back in the swing of things, baby.

and I am on a pretty massive sugar detox.  {GIVE ME SOME CHOCOLATE!!!}  there is one way of eating that makes me feel like a million bucks and that's no dairy, no wheat and no sugar.  it's as hard as eff to stick to, but I sleep better and feel better when I eat smart.  and then there is the weight of two large thanksgiving turkeys that I gained over the last 11 months.  yeah, that shit needs to go.  I'm tired of my clothes not fitting.  sigh.  and really, I've let this define my mental health for the last long while.  it's time to exercise some grace and forgiveness towards myself.  and let it go.  {feel free to break into song now!}

I have a couple of things in my favour right now.

first, the momentum of motivation.  I have felt VERY unmotivated for the last six months.  I know that sometimes behaviour needs to change in order for attitude to come alongside, but this has been the biggest motivational drought that I've had in a long time.  about ten days ago, I woke up and just felt better.  I went and bought some skates {thanks for the great present, honey!!} and decided that I wanted to lace them up and get in the game.  literally and metaphorically.  I knew at the end of november already that I was in need of a full stop, but didn't realize how big this need was.  so instead of waiting for motivation to hit, I'm going to start changing my attitude AND my behaviour, in an effort to create my own motivation.

second, I've found some experts and I'm getting some help.  asking for help is so incredibly difficult for me.  in my head, it's a sign of weakness.  which is absolute crap.  so baby steps here.  I went on-line and signed up for a few different things and have begun to create a bit of a support network.  I need a positive voice when my voice can veer towards the negative.  so a 10 day do-over challenge, a gratitude jar, a diet-bet and a fairly rigorous plan to eat like a rock star are some steps to get support in place, while making significant changes.

third, three days without sugar BEFORE school is back in.  well, that's good for everyone {except my husband and kids who have to put up with me for the next couple of days!!!}.  it's worth it, I know it is, but why do I have the worst sugar cravings right after eating the healthiest salad ever??  sheesh.

fourth, starting things while I have a bit of time.  I have consciously avoided all school related activities: professional reading, checking emails, planning, checking emails...you get the idea.  I've exchanged my usual work-focused behaviours with new ones.  writing.  cooking.  listening to serial {OMG!!  I only have 4 more episodes to listen to!!!!}.  reading a novel.  skating and playing hockey with the boys.  watching all of this season's episodes of NCIS and blue bloods.  {gibbs and frank reagan and coach taylor.  I get a ridiculous amount of leadership training from watching these characters on tv.  don't tell me I watch too much...I'm calling it professional development!}

and all this for what?  I feel better today than I have in a really long time.  I need to keep this business of self-care going.  for my mental health.  for my physical health.  for my family.

Thursday, January 01, 2015

breakaway

this year.  these words.

I know one thing to be true.  I cannot be grateful and anxious/stressed at the same time.  I mean I can, but it sure doesn't work very well.  if I'm living out gratitude on a daily basis, I am hoping that my stress over all the little things will start to decrease.  and then I want generosity to pour out of the gratitude.  I need it to.  and I need it to permeate my kids lives as well.  I'm pretty sure I've turned into a stressed out, complaining-all-the-time, miserable person in the last twelve months.  I don't like it.  so it's going to change.  right now.



and so I created a gratitude jar.  I want to fill it with all the little things.  the things that usually I pass over.  the things that really, when you add them up, are the moments that matter.

who do you want to become in 2015?

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

leaving it up to you

so are you listening to george ezra yet?  WHY THE HECK NOT??  ha!  budapest is his breakout hit this fall, but the whole album is pretty rock solid.  it's in the lumineers or of mice and men kind of vein of music.  LOVE.

it's new years eve day.  my belly hurts.

we got to go out last night, to one of my favourite places, with some of my favourite people.  I ate fritters - deep fried dough of loveliness.  hence the sore belly.  alas, an evening out on whyte ave...I'm not going to complain.  instead, it's a breakfast of eggs, ham and guac.  and coffee.  lots of coffee.

so on this lovely new years eve day, I took a look at some of the pictures I took in this last year.

{oilers meet and greet - love those smiles!}

 {this.  I need to learn this.}

 {I was introduced to Boston this year.  LOVE.}

{time spent with friends.}

{smiles on a difficult day.  this is my grandmother's legacy.  these faces.}

{birthday gifts...}

{...and money saved!}

{he's a good kid.}

{soccer.}

{new job titles.}

{vegas.}

{new car.}

{playing with cousins and uncles.}

{vacations...}

{...and pools!}

{vineyards.}

{lakes.}

{foy vance...and folk fest.}

{these ones.}

{hockey.}

{life at a rink.}

{long, lazy, warm autumns...almost unheard of, but so good for the soul!}

{bestie birthday parties in ottawa!}

{a relaxing Christmas.}

{we hope you have an amazing 2015!}



Monday, December 29, 2014

blame it on me

hello old friend.  it's been a while.

I suppose to say it's been a busy fall would be an understatement.  I suppose it's been no more or less busy than every other fall.  hockey.  soccer.  school.  a husband that works nights.  that's the busy on the surface.

scratch beneath the surface and the cavern below starts to rear it's ugly head.  mixed metaphors.  fun times.  ha!

1.  the lovely kid that doesn't like to sleep.  we suspect that he has some anxiety issues.  to discount this as a major source of time and energy would be wrong.  it's sucking me dry.  arrggg!

2.  the other lovely kid that is in grade six this year.  we are feeling the need to be more plugged into his life.  don't ask me if I feel like I'm doing a decent job of this, but spending time with my almost-twelve-year-old is pretty important right now.

3.  I've been gone.  A LOT.  hockey tournament in Calgary.  retreat in Banff.  birthday party in Ottawa.  pd in Boston.  I've been gone more in the last four months than I ever have been in the fall.  don't mistake it for complaining.  I'm grateful that I've been able to go and do the things I've done this fall; it just adds to the stress level.  just a wee bit.

and at the end of the day, I have forgotten about the things that keep my stress in check.  music.  writing.  solitude.  and maybe most importantly, gratitude.  I think maybe I've lost my way a bit.  busy is never my excuse, it really is my reality.  however, I've been using it as an excuse not to take care of myself.  and I have been paying the price.  I feel like my relationships are strained.  my health is sucky {don't ask me how many pounds I've added to my ass over the last year}.  my joy is eroded.  I'm not loving the person that is exiting 2014.

time to change that.  I wear a tattoo on my arm that says "choose joy".  it's in honour of a legacy that I don't always honour.  it's time to change that too.  if joy is a choice, then I haven't been choosing wisely.  I've been wallowing in self-loathing and stress.  and as a result, I'm tired.  as 2014 so quickly comes to a close, I actually want to finish strong.  I want it to go out with a bang, not a mere whimper that is all about me.  'cause it's not.

I've not been a fan of new years resolutions.  I think they set us up for failure.  I am a fan of change though.  and radical change.  so it starts now.  why wait until thursday?  so, right here, right now, I am pledging my intention: 



my word for 2014 was awake.  it's taken me until today to figure out what that means.